Dedicated to Phoenix-Neechan, for all of her comments while in Japan about Hakuba's ass. And the Porn Comments. And the Moaning and the Panting and the Handcuff comments. And the... you get the picture.

• • •

Shades of Grey: pr0n
by Icka! M. Chif

• • •

It came as a rather large surprise to look up from the last part of that night's homework and find the Kid perched on his window ledge like an oversized white cockatoo.

Wide grin on his face, Kid lifted a hand up in greeting. "Yo!"

"Yo, yourself." He set his pencil down and turned to face the white-clad thief, making no effort to hide his mild confusion. There were no upcoming heists that he knew of and certainly none that he knew of tonight. Kid had never appeared before on a non-heist night before, making this an unprecedented event.

"Got any popcorn in the house?" Kid asked without preamble, the grin widening in amusement, but no malice.

"Popcorn?"

"Popcorn." Like magic, a metallic round disk appeared in his hand. "I have a movie I want your -personal- opinion on."

"Movie." Hakuba repeated, realising that he was starting to sound like an echo. He shook his head slightly, clearing that train of thought. "Anything I should be worried about?"

The Kid debated the question momentarily. "Yes and No." Was the final careful drawl. "Nothing illegal on my part. Yet."

Hakuba debated asking for more information, then dismissed it. Kid had made it quite clear that he was not going to purposely drag Hakuba into anything that might break the law farther than they had already bent with their nighttime visitations. If it was something he was bringing to Hakuba's attention, there was obviously a reason behind it.

"Give me eight minutes." He finally announced, rising. "Is the downstairs lounge all right?"

Kid flashed him a thumbs up before fading in a flicker of wind blown curtains. "Peachy."

• • •

It took him seven minutes and forty three seconds. He appeared in the downstairs living area bearing a tray carrying a large bowl of popcorn and two mugs of steaming water. The room was apparently empty as he set the tray down on the coffee table in front of the couch.

The television turning itself on was the first sign that he was not actually alone. "Thank you for waiting until I set the tray down." He commented dryly without looking up as the Kid made himself comfortable on the couch.

"You are most welcome." The reply was as equally as dry. After all, it wouldn't do to startle the bearer of snacks and send the food flying across the room.

Thief or Tantei, they were still teenagers with the ravenous appetites that came with. And lost food was not a slight that was easily forgiven.

He did not quite sprawl out on the couch as the Kid had done, though granted it was quite a contained graceful sprawl when compared to Kuroba's usual movements, but he did make an effort to relax as he sat down on the cushions, placing the popcorn between them. Kid raised a remote, hitting various buttons that switched on the DVD player.

Hakuba picked up the mugs and offered one to the thief. "Tea and Cocoa are on the tray." He informed him as Kid took the almost absentmindedly, hitting play button causing the machinery to whirr.

"Thanks." A few pieces of popcorn were deftly snatched up and tossed into the air, only to be caught in the Kid's mouth as he reached forward, grabbing a packet of hot chocolate from the tray. A slight pause, and a tea bag was tossed at Hakuba with a conspiratorial grin. Hakuba smirked back as he caught the bag, amused. The tea was his usual flavour of choice. Trust the Kid to know.

Of course, he was probably one of the few people who knew of a certain thief's weakness for chocolate. Mostly through his observations of Kuroba, but still, it counted for something.

"So what sort of movie are we watching?" Hakuba asked, opening the foil packet and putting the teabag in the hot water.

"You'll see."

Kid was a touch smug as he stirred his hot chocolate. It was a bit expected, but none the less still irritating. Hakuba sighed to himself as he leaned back against the soft material of the couch and turned his attention to the screen.

Which appeared to have the Kaitou Kid slinking across the screen, illuminated by the moonlight. Only it was not actually the Kid, at least the Kid Hakuba was familiar with. This Kid was older for one thing, definitely taller and heavier.

And had the habit of pausing in the most alarming suggestive poses...

"That is not you in disguise, is it?" Hakuba ventured.

"No."

"Oh, good." He was not exactly sure why he was pleased that that wasn't the real Kid, but he was. Even if it served to make the thief next to him even more amused.

It also served to make him even more confused when someone, taller than the Mock-Kid, blond and dressed in an inverness coat, a deerstalker cap and waving handcuffs, interrupted the heist by jumping the Mock-Kid in an empty office. It was almost a bit of a relief, in Hakuba's opinion. It was an exceedingly lame heist, as such robberies went.

Except...

"Is that... Is that supposed to be -me-?!" He questioned as the two wrestled on the camera. Very unprofessional wrestling at that. You were not supposed to grope your opponent like that.

Kid tossed another handful of popcorn in the air, catching the pieces in his mouth. "Pretty sure." He affirmed.

"Hmm." Hakuba frowned slightly. "Where is the Task Force?"

"Not here."

"Obviously." His scowl deepen. "This is an extremely weak attempt at re-enacting a heist."

Kid nodded his agreement, not saying anything as he munched on popcorn. Hakuba took a handful of popcorn for himself as the Not-Hakuba handcuffed the Mock-Kid on screen and rose triumphantly.

And then proceeded to choke on the popped kernels as the Mock-Kid apparently decided that speech was not going to free him from this predicament and put his mouth to another form of persuasion. Namely in Not-Hakuba's pants.

"Are you okay?" Kid asked, viewing him with concern as Hakuba took a hasty sip of too-hot tea and scalded his tongue.

"Fine, fine!" He waved off the silent offer of assistance as he got his breath back. "I am all right. I merely was not expecting that."

'That' loosely translated to One: the oral sex on screen, Two: the oral sex on the screen to someone who looked like him by someone who looked like the Kid, Three: the fact that he was now obviously watching porn with someone who looked like himself and the Kid -with- the Kaitou Kid and Four: the fact that the tea was still too hot.

"Ah." Kid nodded sagely, leaning back in his seat again, apparently impassive and indifferent to the images and sounds coming from the television. "Neither was I." He admitted, scooping up another handful of popcorn. "Have to admit, I was hoping for a bit more plot."

"Plot?"

Hakuba glanced several times between the telly and the thief. On screen, the Not-Hakuba orgasamed, the Mock-Kid taking advantage of the moment of inattention to remove the handcuffs from his wrists and put them on the Not-Hakuba, removing the inverness coat in the process.

What Plot?!

"Yeah. I haven't seen this before either." Kid nodded, flipping more pieces of popcorn in the air and catching it in his mouth. Mock-Kid proceeded to strip Not-Hakuba of all clothing other than the shirt, which was un-buttoned and left draping, leaving -nothing- to the imagination.

There was quite a bit there not to imagine as well.

"This does not..." Hakuba question trailed off as he motioned to the moaning and the panting and the handcuffs on screen, uncertain if he was asking if this disturbed or if it aroused the other boy in any way.

Mock-Kid proceeding to pin Not-Hakuba against the wall and ride him did not help matters any.

Kid shrugged. "I figure it's good practice." He explained. "If I can keep a straight face through this, I can keep a persona together through just about anything. You're not really that flexible, are you?"

Hakuba paused, brain automatically diverted to analyse the question. If Kid could be that blasé about sitting around and watching pornography of themselves, so could he. "I do not believe so. That would be your area of expertise, I think. "

The limber thief tilted his head to the side, obviously contemplating this, then nodded. "Yeah." He agreed without hubris.

"Although I would appreciate it if you did not take this opportunity to do something that would undoubtedly be excruciatingly painful for the majority of the population to attempt." There -were- limits to Hkauba's control after all. The mental images were bad enough, thank you.

A grin flashed across the thief's face as he let out a soft chuckle, taking another handful of popcorn. This time he didn't toss it into the air, but contented himself to slide each piece of popcorn past his lips and nibble on it a bit before allowing it to disappear into the depths of his mouth.

Hakuba wasn't sure if the thief was doing it on purpose or not, but that was distinctly unfair. One was not supposed to molest their popcorn in front of an audience.

Mock-Kid moved Not-Hakuba to the desk and they proceeded to bang there. "Are you strong enough to do that?" He asked, changing mental trains of thought.

"Not really." Kid shrugged. "Think they got the actors abilities mixed up."

"Lousy research."

"Yup. On the other hand, I can't see myself as a blond. No offense."

"None taken." Hakuba paused for a moment. "However, I do not believe he is a natural blond."

Kid blinked, tilting his head to the side in mild surprise as he examined the actor on the screen. Due to Mock-Kid's positioning and movement, it was hard to get a very good look at Not-Hakuba's nether regions. "I believe you are correct." He finally agreed mildly.

Hakuba smirked to himself. Point for him. Ha. Revenge for the popcorn molestation.

The thief turned, giving him a look of pure devilment as he waggled his eyebrows in a parody of a leer. "Are you a natural blond?"

"A gentlemen never tells." He hid his snicker by taking a sip of tea. It was cooler now, no longer scalding his mouth.

Kid laughed, sounding startled into amusement.

Mock-Kid and Not-Hakuba were now going at it like rabbits on the chair. It looked rather cramped, but it didn't appear to be slowing either of them down.

"Where did you find this anyway?" Hakuba questioned. He flinched slightly as the question was punctuated by a particularly loud moan from the screen.

Kid snickered, taking a sip of his own warm beverage. "You might be aware of the fact that I try to keep tabs on people offering merchandise in my likeness and name-?"

"I had heard a rumour about that." Hakuba nodded. "After the incident with the Giant's Star and Tofu Department store last Christmas."

"Precisely. You shouldn't make money off of being a thief. Or someone else make money off of it for that matter. There's a few fan clubs that make stuff to sell in their circles, non or low profit things that I usually ignore. Then word got out that a company, well..." A white gloved hand motioned towards the television, where Not-Hakuba and Mock-Kid and fallen out of the chair and were now doing the beast with two backs on the floor.

"... and you wanted my opinion on it." Hakuba finished.

Kid shrugged. "I sent them a note requesting that they not use my name or likeness, but you can see what good that did. Once I saw the packaging, I thought you might want to know about it as well."

"Especially since seeing that one of the 'participants' in this horrible charade is a caricature of myself." He finished, frowning. Anyone familiar with the phantom thief's escapades could and would identify the blond hair and Sherlock Holmes outfit as 'Hakuba Saguru'.

It was not a thought that was particularly comforting. Quite the opposite in fact.

"You have a course of action planned out?" Hakuba questioned.

Another shrug. "Create technical problems with the entire run of disks. But if you're at ease with this, I'm willing to let it slide."

It dawned on him that Kid in his own way was asking for permission to do something that could be considered as breaking the law. Now that he knew about it, he -could- make legal requests that they halt production on this, but that would make both the skin flick public and bring up the question where he learned about it, neither of which was a thought he relished. "I would rather you did not let it slide." He admitted slowly. To be honest, he would not have protested burning the entire building down.

Kid nodded, accepting the tact consent. "It would not be out of character for me to pass this information on to you anyway, if nothing else than to tease you like I do Nakamori-keibu." He offered neutrally.

A good cover for how Hakuba had come to learn of the movie's existence, in case of any fall out from the Kid's actions. Without implying of any sort of relationship other than the professional detached thief and detective one.

On screen, Not-Hakuba and Mock-Kid were winding down, gasps and pants fading.

"Thank you." Hakuba said softly.

"You're welcome." The thief's voice was equally gentle.

They sat in silence, pointedly not looking at each other, the air a bit tense and uncomfortable as Mock-Kid and Not-Hakuba disengaged from each other on screen, Mock-Kid disappearing into the night and leaving the heist behind.

"You do realise that I am going to have a hard time looking directly at you for a while." Hakuba finally commented, hoping his voice was matter-of-factly.

Kid snickered, the sound breaking a great deal of the tightness in the air. "If it makes you feel any better, if this was a success, they had a few sequels in planning stages, explaining how the Kid always gets away. The first one involving a younger Nakamori and the Kid, and the second one involving a variation of the Task Force's 'Dog pile on the Bandit'."

Hakuba suddenly felt like he had just bit down into an under ripe lemon. "Thank you." He grimaced as a bitter taste filled his mouth. "I believe that was sufficient enough to avoid the necessity of a cold shower tonight."

Kid laughed.

-fin-

foil packets and tea bagging... *thuds head on desk* If you don't get it, I'm not explaining. Shut Up.

'Nother Shut Up: Younger Nakamori and the Kid = Nakamori and Toichi. *waggles eyebrows*
Bigger Shut Up: No Clothes Dog Pile on the Bandit = Gangbang on the Bandit. Shaddup. Shaddup. Shaddup.

Thanks to Ann for the name of the Star on the Christmas Heist

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