Blood.

By Icka! M. Chif

I...

I killed a man today.

Several of them, in fact. Tore their heads right off with my claws.

I don't remember it. Remember anything that happened, really. It's just a big black gaping hole in my mind.

I think... I think I'm scared.

That's funny, isn't it? Me, the half breed bastard son of the Western Lord, afraid of something? I've faced things that should have made me want to turn and flee at the first sight of them without batting an eye. I've proven that I've got more guts than brains more times than I care to count.

And yet... yet...

I can't get the smell of blood off my hands.

No matter how hard I scrub, it won't go away.

Kagome comforts me, or at least tries to. She tells me it wasn't my fault, the men who I... killed were bandits. They tried to kill me, right before I lost my memory. Lost my mind.

A part of me believes her. I part of me wonders how close I came to killing her today. I'll have to ask Miroku and Sango. Kagome would never tell me if I tried to or not. She's just that way, got a heart that's too big for her own good.

Kagome...

I need to talk to Miroku and Sango anyway. I need to make a bargain with them. I think it's one they'll agree to.

In case I ever kill Kagome, I want them to kill me.

And if they don't, I'll do it myself.

There's a sort of bitter irony in all of this. I wanted to be come a youkai to become stronger, so I could forget. But I remain human enough to know that's not what I want. To not remember...

The scent of blood on my hands is enough to remind me that perhaps I do not want to know. To be.

I have always avoided killing humans in the past. I never really gave conscious thought to why, but I think I know now. They remind me too much of myself.

Is this what it is truly like to be human? Not just the lack of senses, but the overwhelming fear of something that is stronger than you? That at any minute the fragile bonds of live and familiarity could be snapped by something you have no control over.

Can I control this? Control my Father's blood?

I think, for once, I am envious of my brother. Not for his youkai powers, or his strength. But for his ability to not feel. To not care. To not have a conscious.

He is lucky.

Because today, for the first time, I realised what I truly am.

I am a half breed.

I am youkai, with all the strengths and weaknesses wherein.

I am human, with all their strengths and weakness.

I am...

I am afraid.

I'm so scared it hurts.

And the scent of blood won't leave my hands...

Fin.